hold my heart.

does anybody know how to hold my heart,

how to hold my heart, because i don't want to let go too soon.

- sara bareilles

i haven't written in who knows how long. and i hate that i'm using this right now as an opportunity to put things off of my chest that i can't begin to write anywhere else. i'm currently in the middle of an emotional rollercoaster - and i don't know what to do about it. there are all of these feelings inside me that i don't know what to do with - feelings of anxiety, fear, hatred, regret, and so many others. during the end of a cappella practice tonight, i was holding back tears. and i have no idea why. when we sang happy 29th birthday to my beautiful sister, i was holding back tears. when i got in the car and "someone like you" by adele played on the radio, i lost it. me, a competent 21 year old, bawling on the way home. i'm in a rut. and that's strange for most people to think of. because i shouldn't be in a rut. i'm 21. i go to william & mary. i have good friends, in fact, i have great friends. i have a wonderful job. i was even elected homecoming queen at william & mary this past weekend. but there's something missing. and it's not frustration over the fact that i dropped my phone in water and it's currently sitting in a bowl of rice to dry out. or that i didn't get the last two solos that i wanted more than anything. or that i miss the hell out of my sister and need her more than anything right now.

that something that i think i'm missing is love. i need, more than anything in my life, a great (and i mean, great) love. that one love that knocks me off of my feet. that makes me swoon and weak in the knees. a love that makes me feel again. that one love that lets me open up myself to someone with no reservations. yet, i'm standing here, waiting with open arms, and asking - where are you, love? when are you coming to me? when's it my turn?

because i'm frankly tired of never having had a true boyfriend. i'm frankly tired of having the only person i've really almost been relationship-wise-romantically involved with being someone who haunts my daily existence with his lies and our addiction to each other existing like a stain on my heart that no matter how hard i rub simply won't come out. i'm frankly tired of everyone around me being in a relationship and being happy, which i realize is completely and utterly selfish. i'm frankly tired of feeling bad about being selfish. i'm frankly tired of having never been truly in love. i'm frankly tired of living on my knees begging for other people to want to be with me. and i'm frankly tired of having nights like tonight where i cry for no reason and can't control my emotions.

so now it's back to homework and figuring out how to repair the shattered pieces of my heart so that one day, they'll be ready to love.

xoxo.

krp.